A Mother's Calling

{ my beautiful calling }

I miss the point, and I miss it all the time.  I focus my time, energy, and emotions on things that mean so little when you look at the big picture of life.  I want things to be organized and orderly.  I want my home to be orderly, my kids, my day, my life.  I want it all put together, flawless, and simple.  And when things don't go that way, I lose it.  I get flustered, frustrated, and frantic.  Why don't things go the way I plan???

And when you have two boys - 2.5-years-old and 16-months-old - it NEVER goes as planned.  Meals I spend a good deal of time preparing get chucked on the floor, or someone poops again at the most inopportune time, or one wakes up due to night terrors while the other is restless from teething, or toys get dumped in the middle of a room that I just straightened out, or projects I want to work on get delayed because nap time is a bust.

I have asked myself several times this past month if this has been the right decision for me to stay home.  Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.   And yet, God has been good in gently reminding me this is what He has planned for me right now.  My most important calling is to nurture and raise my sons for the glory of the Lord.  If I neglect to do this but strive to do everything else well, then I believe I've missed the point.  I can pursue ministry opportunities and my passions, but if I neglect to nurture my children and love them well, then I have failed and not properly cared for what God has entrusted to me.

During a very hectic, stressful, and tiring day, I had this conversation with my 2.5-year-old while changing his diaper (yes, he really ought to be potty-trained):

Me:  Oh, CJ.  When are you going to start telling Mommy when you need to go pee-pee or poo-poo?  You're too big for diapers, and I'm tired of changing them!  [Frustrated and now thinking aloud]  When is Mommy's life going to get easier?  I guess life will never be easy until I get to heaven.  [Trying very hard not to inhale the fumes of the stinky diaper.]

CJ:  Mama, why you going to heaven?

Me: [Caught off-guard that he heard and understood me.  I smile.]  Because Jesus loves me.

CJ:  Mama, may I go to heaven, too?

Me: [Choked up and kissing him on forehead]  Of course, darling!  Jesus loves you and died for you, too!

In my frustration of trying to take care of every little thing, manage a hectic life and wishing for a simpler one, I often miss out on what God is doing.  I easily get caught up in trying to complete the to-do list and check off all the boxes.  But my most important calling is not to strive for a home that could be featured in Martha Stewart's magazine but rather to be a godly wife and mother.  I am to encourage, support, and love my husband well.  To nurture, raise, and ground our children in God's Word and His love.  And to be an example of a woman who loves the Lord and is kind, compassionate, and gracious.

Every day, the Lord gives me an opportunity to demonstrate the gospel and minister to my husband and my children.  I pray and pray the Holy Spirit would help me to do that well.  And that instead of a grumbling heart, He'd give me a grateful one.

O Lord, help me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  Help me to love my husband well, provide instruction for our children, and to use the gifts You've given me for Your glory and honor.

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Love Language

I get it now.

Back in my short-lived aspiring singer/songwriter days, I thought there was no greater love language known to man than music.   How could one resist the tempestuous beats of reggae, or the mesmerizing melodies of ballads, or the intoxicating chords of rock and roll?

Well, I was wrong.

I now know the greatest love language is food.   Sometimes the things that can't be expressed with what comes out of the mouth can be by what is fed in the mouth.

You put food down on the table, and you instantly have fellowship.  Friendships are built over coffee and cheesecake.  Love grows as two people connect over a bowl of puttanesca and a glass of red wine.  A new neighbor is welcomed on the block with a batch of homemade cookies.  A bowl of porridge helps a starving child live another day.

There is nothing greater which connects any two people than the need for the most basic necessity in life.  To satisfy one's hunger.

And food can even help mend the most difficult of relationships.  This is where my mother-in-law ("MIL"), who is an amazing cook, comes into the story.

My MIL and I have what is typical of many mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships.  I was vying for the number one position in her son's life and she was none all too happy about that.  Like many MILs, I think it was difficult for her to let go of her son and let her daughter-in-law assume the role of primary caretaker in his life.   Like many mothers, it's hard to imagine anyone loving more or taking better care of someone than the person who brought him into the world (I'm sure I'll encounter a similar feeling when my sons eventually get married). 

We struggled in our relationship for a number of other reasons.  She's old-fashioned and traditional.  I'm not.  She's stubborn but so am I.  She insists on her ways, and I insist on mine.  There was no understanding of healthy boundaries.  She also speaks very little English, and I speak very poor Korean.  So the communication barrier made it much harder for us to engage in a deeper and more meaningful relationship.  And it also made it that much easier for misunderstandings (of which we've had many).

There was a time when I wondered if she and I would ever be able to sit in the same room together without one upsetting the other.

In the early years of marriage, my MIL would spend hours preparing food, whipping up meals, and bringing them over to our house.  And she insisted I be the first to try out everything.  Of course, I didn't mind tasting and enjoying the food she prepared (did I mention already that she's a fabulous cook?).  But what drove me absolutely crazy was her going into great detail about how the food was prepared and then insisting I be spoon fed by her (as though I were a child) to taste the food!  I'm a grown woman for Pete's sake!

Time and time again, she would bring over dishes and try to shove spoonfuls in my mouth while telling me how she woke up at 5 in the morning to prepare the food.  I honestly didn't want her to go to all that trouble, so I told her not to.  I know it hurt her feelings and bruised her ego, but I figured she'd eventually get over it.  Resound in her stubbornness, she continued to cook and feed us.

Now that I'm a mom laboring in the kitchen, preparing meals and baked goods for my family, I get it.   You spend much of your day feeding and nourishing your spouse and children.  This is one of many ways I'm able to express my love to them.

And my MIL, unable to communicate with me through spoken language, had been demonstrating her love and acceptance of me through what she knows best.  A delicious, home-cooked meal.   She spends hours in the kitchen washing, cutting, chopping, peeling, slicing, grinding, marinating, frying, steaming, boiling her love into the food she prepares for the people she cares about most.

So today I find myself grateful for her.  For the generous ways she demonstrates love every day.  I am thankful for the love she lavishes on us.

And now I even find myself asking her, "Mom, how did you make that?"  You can't imagine the delight it brings to her face.   Thankfully though, she has stopped spoon feeding me (my sons now have the privilege of enjoying that).  :)

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Tribute to Grandma Kim

Bong Ha Kim
July 15, 1930 - October 16, 2010

Tonight we celebrated my grandmother's life and legacy.  Over 300 guests came to pay their respects and say their final "See you soon".  I paid tribute to her in a letter I shared:

{ with her third great-grandchild;
photo taken by sun yun }

Dear Grandma,

As the eldest of your grandchildren, I had the privilege and honor of bestowing you with the title “Grandmother” for the first time on the day I was born. And 10 grandchildren later, it became a role you embodied and embraced with so much love, pride, and care. You spoiled each and every one of us rotten – not with material things (for you knew these things mean nothing in the end) – but with the power of your prayers and by demonstrating God’s love to us on a daily basis.

None of your children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren have known a day that you, our mighty prayer warrior, were not interceding on our behalf. Every day, you and Grandfather knelt before the King of kings lifting up the many petitions, concerns, and praises for our family.

One petition that I knew had grown heavy on your heart several years ago concerned the prospect of me ever getting married.  I was pretty adamant about staying single and stubbornly declared I didn’t need a husband or children.  Maybe I’d just get a dog one day.  When I was 26, I specifically remember Christmas at Uncle’s house that year.  You and I were sitting on the sofa, and you had asked me again if I was dating or if there was a man of interest in my life.  I told you “No” and reminded you that I was never going to get married.

And then you leaned in towards me.  And very quietly, you asked me in Korean, “You like men, right?”  And I laughed!  And then you laughed, but I think you were somewhat serious!

Well, I saw the delight on your face the day I got married to James and knew God had answered your prayers.

It was hard to see you suffer the past few months.  It was difficult to see the color and life of the light of our family slowly start to dim.  Why had God allowed you to suffer in such a way?

But even in the midst of suffering, you continued to praise God.  What a testimony to us!  I remember an instance when I came to visit you earlier in September.  You had just been released from the hospital and were in hospice care at Uncle’s house.  You were so weak, tired, and in pain.  Your mouth was extremely dry so I rinsed it out with some water.  You lifted up your frail arms and thanked God even for spit because it gave you the ability to speak, even if just a whisper.

That was the testimony of your faith – being able to bless His name even when the circumstances were difficult.  And then I began to realize why it was you suffered in such a way:  It was because your faith was so much greater and stronger than ours.  You were ready to go home to your greatest treasure, Jesus, but we weren’t ready to let you.

So God prolonged your agony and your suffering for our sake.  For the sake of your husband, your children, and your grandchildren.  So we could prepare ourselves to say our goodbyes.  So we could have time to process you not being here on earth with us anymore.

And then it made me think of how Jesus died and how God had allowed his perfect son to suffer for your sake and mine.  How great is that love!  Thank you for that sacrifice, Father.

Grandma, when I heard that you went home to be with the Lord, a very selfish part of me thought, “we’ve lost our mighty prayer warrior for this family.”

And the Lord, ever lovingly, said “No. Your prayer warrior is here with me, right by my side, and continues to intercede on your behalf.”


{ four generations }

I pray you find rest and peace in heaven, Grandma.  Although I imagine with your new body, your bad leg finally healed after all these years, your spirit and mind restored, you’re probably too busy singing, jumping, and dancing with Jesus to rest.  And I praise God for that.

We love you with all our hearts. 


Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

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