A Mother's Calling

{ my beautiful calling }

I miss the point, and I miss it all the time.  I focus my time, energy, and emotions on things that mean so little when you look at the big picture of life.  I want things to be organized and orderly.  I want my home to be orderly, my kids, my day, my life.  I want it all put together, flawless, and simple.  And when things don't go that way, I lose it.  I get flustered, frustrated, and frantic.  Why don't things go the way I plan???

And when you have two boys - 2.5-years-old and 16-months-old - it NEVER goes as planned.  Meals I spend a good deal of time preparing get chucked on the floor, or someone poops again at the most inopportune time, or one wakes up due to night terrors while the other is restless from teething, or toys get dumped in the middle of a room that I just straightened out, or projects I want to work on get delayed because nap time is a bust.

I have asked myself several times this past month if this has been the right decision for me to stay home.  Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.   And yet, God has been good in gently reminding me this is what He has planned for me right now.  My most important calling is to nurture and raise my sons for the glory of the Lord.  If I neglect to do this but strive to do everything else well, then I believe I've missed the point.  I can pursue ministry opportunities and my passions, but if I neglect to nurture my children and love them well, then I have failed and not properly cared for what God has entrusted to me.

During a very hectic, stressful, and tiring day, I had this conversation with my 2.5-year-old while changing his diaper (yes, he really ought to be potty-trained):

Me:  Oh, CJ.  When are you going to start telling Mommy when you need to go pee-pee or poo-poo?  You're too big for diapers, and I'm tired of changing them!  [Frustrated and now thinking aloud]  When is Mommy's life going to get easier?  I guess life will never be easy until I get to heaven.  [Trying very hard not to inhale the fumes of the stinky diaper.]

CJ:  Mama, why you going to heaven?

Me: [Caught off-guard that he heard and understood me.  I smile.]  Because Jesus loves me.

CJ:  Mama, may I go to heaven, too?

Me: [Choked up and kissing him on forehead]  Of course, darling!  Jesus loves you and died for you, too!

In my frustration of trying to take care of every little thing, manage a hectic life and wishing for a simpler one, I often miss out on what God is doing.  I easily get caught up in trying to complete the to-do list and check off all the boxes.  But my most important calling is not to strive for a home that could be featured in Martha Stewart's magazine but rather to be a godly wife and mother.  I am to encourage, support, and love my husband well.  To nurture, raise, and ground our children in God's Word and His love.  And to be an example of a woman who loves the Lord and is kind, compassionate, and gracious.

Every day, the Lord gives me an opportunity to demonstrate the gospel and minister to my husband and my children.  I pray and pray the Holy Spirit would help me to do that well.  And that instead of a grumbling heart, He'd give me a grateful one.

O Lord, help me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  Help me to love my husband well, provide instruction for our children, and to use the gifts You've given me for Your glory and honor.

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11 Step Program to Prepare for Parenthood

The following forward has been going around on facebook (author unknown; I wish I could take credit for being this clever).  It's outright hilarious because it's so ridiculously true.  I'm not trying to deter anyone from having children, because there is no greater joy.  But one should always be prepared and know what you're getting into. 

Lessons 2, 3, 4, 8, and 9 are my particular favorites. 

Thinking of Having Kids?  Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast.  Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).

Repeat steps 1-9 each night.  Keep this up for 3-5 years.  Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc.  Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.  And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there.
2. Get a dime.  Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.  Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store.  Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).  If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.  Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.  Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).  Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.  You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice.  Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above.  You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

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This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!'  Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids.  I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it.  Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

It's a shame I don't know who the author is.  I'd like to personally thank them for a good laugh today after changing my fifth poopy diaper, picking out my kids' boogers with my pinky nail, having rice flung at me, singing "Veggie Tales" theme song for the umpteenth time, wrestling my son to bed, and doing my third load of laundry.

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Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

You and I had some good moments, but I have a confession to make.  I'm glad we're almost through.  It's time we move on.

Yes, I at least owe you an explanation.  So here goes a long one.

You and I started off on the wrong foot.  In January, I was sleep-deprived and exhausted with an 18-month and 3-month-old and didn't know how I was going to survive.   Thankfully, my maternity leave ended, and in February, I returned back to work full-time with my firm in Manhattan (while my children were in the care of my in-laws).  But ever increasingly, I felt a naggingly strong conviction that I needed to be home more often but wrestled with the thought because (1) it would mean a huge financial sacrifice and (2) I wasn't cut out to be a stay-home mom.

Well, you know God wasn't going to let me use those as legit excuses.  As if (although they seem pretty legit to me!).

So ever the negotiator with the Almighty (foolishness, I know), I thought a compromise was in order.  Perhaps I could just work part-time.  Mustering up some courage, I approached my manager in April and we worked out a 10-hour/week consulting agreement (I was hoping for 20 hours but took whatever I could).  It was extra income and would give me an excuse to get out of the house one day a week.  I stayed on full-time until the end of August.

And in September, I thought I was going to lose my mind.  Do you remember that?  I'm sure you do.

Staying home was surely the biggest mistake I had ever made.  My oldest son was now two and terrible.  My youngest turned one and became mobile on two legs.  Combine the two and it meant me running in all different directions yelling at the top of my lungs.  Although my in-laws still continued to come for a few hours in the morning to lend a hand, I was struggling to find a routine, balance, and meaning to this new life at home.  Surely, I could get my job back if I wanted.  But for whatever reason, I stuck it out.  Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment.

And with my husband's permission, I share the following knowing others might find encouragement from it.

It also didn't help that my marriage was going through a rough patch at the time.   Not many would have guessed it, but it didn't slip by you.  Our friends have often commented on viewing us as an ideal couple and how our marriage seemed so perfect.  NEWS FLASH!  No marriage is perfect.  Marriage is not a happily-ever-after fairy tale and if anyone buys into that, they're in for a rude awakening.   One of the books James and I read during our premarital counseling was key in preparing us for this:  Sacred Marriage:  What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than Happy?  I highly recommend it.  Though marriage is a wonderful gift with many blessings, it has a way of revealing the ugliest parts of one self.   It's good to be prepared for that but also to keep in mind this is how God uses marriage and our spouse to shape and refine us to become more like Christ.

Well, it seemed my husband and I were no longer hand-in-hand partners.  Rather, we had become the Divvy It Up tag-team duo.  "Tag.  You're it.  Your turn to take this one out while I stay home during the other one's naptime."  "You're it, your turn to do the shopping while I get some laundry done."  "You're it.  You put this one to sleep while I give the other one a bath."   With overlaps in the boys' schedules, it seemed we rarely spent much time together as a family.  And forget couple time.  By the end of the evening, James and I were so pooped we'd literally pass out in bed.

The transition with me being home also brought about underlying issues that were never quite resolved between my husband and I.  Past hurts and wounds were resurrected, and there was a period we wondered if it was possible to ever reconcile these issues.  We knew we needed help, but asking for it would not be easy.  We shared our struggles with our church small group, and we eventually ended up meeting with our pastor as well.  God is so good.  Through sharing, praying, reading scripture and also reading The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict as a church body, God worked to reveal the sins and flaws in our hearts.  Upon admitting them to one another, it opened up the path to understanding, forgiveness, and wholeness in our relationship again.  This doesn't mean we still don't fight or have misunderstandings, but we're better equipped to address them in a more loving, godly manner.  This will be a lifelong process though (I still prefer the good ol' silent treatment because I'm so darn good at it).     

Then 2010, you threw us for a loop in the latter half of the year as my family came to grips with my grandmother's ailing condition.  On the morning of July 31, my grandmother complained of a stomach ache, went to the hospital, and then was admitted to the ICU once it was determined her intestine had ruptured and infection had spread to her major organs.  She survived that ordeal only then to be diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer so far advanced it was beyond seeking surgery or chemo therapy.  At the beginning of September, she was released from the hospital to spend the remainder of her days at home with family.  On October 16, she went home to be with the Lord.

Death was gain for her (Philippians 1:21).  Despite knowing this, however, the loss for us was difficult to bear.  Namely for my mother.  They were literally the best of friends.   I take that back.   My grandmother's best friend here on earth was her husband of 62 years.  My grandfather, a devout man of God and a retired pastor, misses her ever so dearly.  My heart aches mostly for him.

So do you understand why I'm glad we're moving on?

You and I did share some good moments though, and I will never forget those.

James and I attended IJM's (International Justice Mission) Annual Prayer Gathering in D.C. in April.  We didn't have great expectations.  But of course, God did and He worked in our hearts to demonstrate the importance and power of prayer.  It fueled our hearts to pray for all things at all times without ceasing.   God is working and He gives us the privilege to take part in what He's doing through prayer and action.  My greatest desire is to become a woman of prayer much like my grandmother.  I have a long way to go and will admit my prayer life has been lacking recently.  But He who began a good work will bring it to completion.

This year, I have also seen my husband, the ever-loving father and servant, grow more and more into a godly and wise leader.  On a daily basis, I get to see how God is using my husband's heart of compassion and generosity in big and small ways.  And I am learning how to be more patient and forgiving because my husband is much better at it than I.  And we continue to be each other's biggest supporters and fans.

And as for the saga of being home, I can now see glimpses of the impact it has on my children.   I see transformations taking place in them - not only physical but mental and spiritual as well.  I get to experience the moments when my two-year-old will kiss his brother's boo-boo or say a sweet prayer of thanks or when my boys sing with great excitement, "Happy Birthday, Jesus", on Christmas morning.  I am witness to their joy and wonder in such simple things and am learning to do likewise.   Don't get me wrong.  There are still days (very many) I just want to rip my hair out, but God is teaching me to be more patient - with my boys and with myself.

I also started writing regularly again and I have this medium to thank for it.  This creative outlet, which served as a source of sanity in the beginning, ended up being a way for me to connect with and be encouraged by others.  I am so thankful for that and for the folks I have met.

We also celebrated CJ's 2-year-birthday with a cause, threw an elaborate homemade 1-year bash for Nathan, and got to brag about having our son featured topless in a calendar (every parents' dream, I'm sure).

All in all, 2010, we had our ups and downs.  But I can see God's hand in it in every instance and I am eternally grateful for that.

But I'm eager to say hello to 2011 and see what it has in store for us.

Bidding adieu,
Rachel

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Through the Muck and Mire

There was a 48-hour window this past week that had me thinking "Why, oh why, do we put ourselves through this?"  ("this" referring to parenting).

CJ, my 2-and-1/2-year-old, was happily eating his pizza during dinner Saturday evening when all of a sudden he started making a gagging noise.  Next thing I knew, a small chunk of his food had come back up.  Then he started to gag again, and I knew I only had a matter of seconds.  I quickly swooped him in my arms and made a mad dash to the kitchen (I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom).  Just a few inches before reaching the kitchen sink, my son threw up his dinner, lunch, breakfast (and maybe even dinner from the night before) all over himself and all over me.  The poor thing was so frightened - he didn't know what was happening.  All the while, I was completely grossed out!  I imagined a scene out of those comedy movies where one person pukes and then starts a chain reaction.  That would have completely freaked CJ out even more, so I had to hold it together.  Well a few hours later, CJ seemed better.  So he had a glass of milk before bedtime, and then it was Daddy's turn to get puked all over.  The next day, CJ was perfectly fine.

Thirty-six hours later, Nathan, our 14-month-old, seemed his happy, usual self.  That was until I noticed him grunting and grimacing.  The poor baby was trying to take care of business and couldn't!  A few minutes later, he tried again.  Standing in the living room, holding onto the edge of the coffee table, he stood, turning bright red in the face as he squeezed with all his might.  But all he could muster was the tiniest and quietest of gas.  He grew irritable and miserable (could you blame the little guy?).

A couple hours later, he tried again to no avail and this time, he cried out in anguish.  So I had to do what any loving mother would do - I had to lie my son down, strip him, open his legs, and help him pass his bowels.  I took a rectal thermometer, lubricated it with some Aquaphor, and started digging.  As Nathan squirmed and cried in agony, I helped loosen the rock-hard stool blocking the passageway and was finally able to unplug the dam.  He was so relieved.

So why share these less-than-pleasant details in great detail?  Where am I going with this?

Well, it made me think about all the muck and mire we go through daily as parents, or just life in general for that matter.  And most days, we find ourselves asking, "What's the point of all this?"

{ brothers celebrating their first
christmas together in 2009}

Well, I'm not really sure.  But seeing these boys at their sweetest just melts my heart and makes it all worth it.  Sure, a lot of details about my daily life are not glamorous, and there are days I'd rather just not deal with the trivial things.  But I've been given the responsibility to nurture, care for, and love these boys no matter what c-r-a-p is thrown at us (sometimes quite literally) or how difficult things get.

I would go through the muck and mire for them every day if I had to.

What greater depths would our heavenly Father go to for us?  Well, He let his Son endure the muck, mire, and wrath of hell so we wouldn't have to.  Now that's real love.

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In My Footsteps

Being home with the boys has quickly reminded me how sinful and selfish my heart is.  The past month has been a truly humbling experience.  I catch myself raising my voice and getting frustrated because CJ insists on getting his way, but I insist on getting mine.  And just like CJ, I pout and fume inside when I don't get it.  He is a reflection of my very self.

And I've also noticed how quick he is to imitate me.  Even simple things like when Jazz (our sharpei shepherd mix) is hanging around and sometimes in the way, I'll say "Go away, Jazz!"  And then I immediately hear those same exact words echoed in a similar unkind tone from the small, squeaky voice of my two-year-old son.  Ugh.

I've been reading Don't Make Me Count to Three! by Ginger Plowman, and in Chapter 6, she talks about the parent's responsibility.  This excerpt humbled me:

"Someone is following in your footsteps.  Your child learns the most not by what he hears but by what he sees you do.  He will follow many of the examples that you set before him.  In following your example, will he be a doer of the Word of God or only a hearer?  Will he be faithful or hypocritical?  Perhaps one of the most sobering verses as far as our responsibility in training our children is found in Luke 6:40:  'A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.'"

I immediately saw the sin of my own heart and how my desire for control and order have led to less than godly examples for my children.  After reading this, I resolved to be a better example for CJ and Nathan.  Instead of reacting quickly and tersely out of frustration, I am trying very hard to be patient, gracious, soft-spoken but firm, and to act as I would want them to act.

After waking from his afternoon nap yesterday, CJ was in a foul mood.  I prepared dinner and then put Nathan in his high chair and asked very kindly for CJ to join us (he was hanging out in the playroom).  He then fell to the floor and started to throw a tantrum.  I asked him what was wrong but he just continued to cry.  I again said in a soft-spoken manner, "Please, come join us at the table for dinner."

He continued to cry, and then I just quietly responded by saying, "Whenever you're ready, you can join us."  I proceeded to feed Nathan, and CJ continued to throw his tantrum for another minute or so.  And then all of the sudden, he stopped, got up off the floor, climbed into his chair at the dinner table, and started eating his food.

On any other day, my response to his behavior would have been to pick CJ up immediately, place him in the chair, and firmly say to him, "Now stop crying.  You have to eat your dinner."  And he would have pouted and continued to be upset for a while. 

That evening, I saw the difference my reaction made.   In the same, calm manner I responded to him, he responded likewise.

One can always talk the talk, but your walk will always speak louder.

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The Terrible Twos and Keeping it Together

{ cj at his 2-year birthday party }

Do not be deceived by this super adorable face.  Behind those squinty eyes and big infectious smile lies a 2-year old monster. 

The terrible twos have invaded our household, and boy, can they be pretty terrible at times!  Granted, for the most part, CJ is fairly well-behaved and reasonable (for a 2-year-old), but there are also many a moments when he tests the boundaries and limits of what he can get away with.  He insists on having it his way!  And my patience runs low!

Once the boys were down for their nap yesterday afternoon, I found therapy in washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen.  Therapy also took form in banging pots in the kitchen sink and slamming cabinet doors (I feel it necessary to confess that).  These moments sometimes take me by surprise, and when I calm down, I often try to figure out why it is I'm so flustered and boiling inside.

And the bottom line pretty much comes to this:  I insist on having it my way, too!

In many ways, I am no different from a 2-year-old.  Except I can reflect and better recognize my selfishness as sin (most of the time). 

Grace is so important.  It allows me to not be so hard on the kids, my husband, myself.  I think it's the last I struggle with the most.  I have this image of what the perfect mom should be like and fall so short.  And I get upset and disappointed with myself because my house is not in order, dinner doesn't turn out well, the kids are misbehaving, errands don't get completed, etc, etc.

Sound familiar?

Advice was recently given to me by a friend which I found very helpful: 

"Don't be hard on yourself.  You have to do what works best for you".   Meaning if doing a thorough cleaning once a month as opposed to once a week works for us, then by all means, so be it.  It's okay if every meal isn't made from scratch, and the kids watch a tv program or two just so you can get dinner ready or just have a moment to sit back for a little bit.

And secondly, "Enjoy the children and encourage them to be kids."  I so desperately want order and control in my house, but I realize my expectations of my children are unrealistic at times.   I want my 2-year-old to be perfect, but how can I expect that when I'm so far from it myself?

You really do just have to take a few deep breaths, get a hold of yourself, keep things in perspective, and not let the 2-year or 30-something-year-old tantrums get the best of us.  Extend grace mostly for yourself.

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