A Mother's Calling

{ my beautiful calling }

I miss the point, and I miss it all the time.  I focus my time, energy, and emotions on things that mean so little when you look at the big picture of life.  I want things to be organized and orderly.  I want my home to be orderly, my kids, my day, my life.  I want it all put together, flawless, and simple.  And when things don't go that way, I lose it.  I get flustered, frustrated, and frantic.  Why don't things go the way I plan???

And when you have two boys - 2.5-years-old and 16-months-old - it NEVER goes as planned.  Meals I spend a good deal of time preparing get chucked on the floor, or someone poops again at the most inopportune time, or one wakes up due to night terrors while the other is restless from teething, or toys get dumped in the middle of a room that I just straightened out, or projects I want to work on get delayed because nap time is a bust.

I have asked myself several times this past month if this has been the right decision for me to stay home.  Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.   And yet, God has been good in gently reminding me this is what He has planned for me right now.  My most important calling is to nurture and raise my sons for the glory of the Lord.  If I neglect to do this but strive to do everything else well, then I believe I've missed the point.  I can pursue ministry opportunities and my passions, but if I neglect to nurture my children and love them well, then I have failed and not properly cared for what God has entrusted to me.

During a very hectic, stressful, and tiring day, I had this conversation with my 2.5-year-old while changing his diaper (yes, he really ought to be potty-trained):

Me:  Oh, CJ.  When are you going to start telling Mommy when you need to go pee-pee or poo-poo?  You're too big for diapers, and I'm tired of changing them!  [Frustrated and now thinking aloud]  When is Mommy's life going to get easier?  I guess life will never be easy until I get to heaven.  [Trying very hard not to inhale the fumes of the stinky diaper.]

CJ:  Mama, why you going to heaven?

Me: [Caught off-guard that he heard and understood me.  I smile.]  Because Jesus loves me.

CJ:  Mama, may I go to heaven, too?

Me: [Choked up and kissing him on forehead]  Of course, darling!  Jesus loves you and died for you, too!

In my frustration of trying to take care of every little thing, manage a hectic life and wishing for a simpler one, I often miss out on what God is doing.  I easily get caught up in trying to complete the to-do list and check off all the boxes.  But my most important calling is not to strive for a home that could be featured in Martha Stewart's magazine but rather to be a godly wife and mother.  I am to encourage, support, and love my husband well.  To nurture, raise, and ground our children in God's Word and His love.  And to be an example of a woman who loves the Lord and is kind, compassionate, and gracious.

Every day, the Lord gives me an opportunity to demonstrate the gospel and minister to my husband and my children.  I pray and pray the Holy Spirit would help me to do that well.  And that instead of a grumbling heart, He'd give me a grateful one.

O Lord, help me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  Help me to love my husband well, provide instruction for our children, and to use the gifts You've given me for Your glory and honor.

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God's Will for Our Lives

{ Richard Stearns, World Vision president and author of The Hole in Our Gospel.
Image from the book press release.}

James and I, along with our church growth group, have been reading The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns (he's the president of World Vision).  I've only read the first 5 chapters and have already sopped the pages with countless tears.  Stearns' testimony is amazingly powerful.  The way in which God gripped his heart to action and change is compelling.  If you know nothing about Richard Stearns, he was a successful, wealthy corporate CEO (he sold fine china to the rich) who also happened to be a Christian and lived a model Christian life.  He went to church every Sunday, had a wonderful marriage, went to Bible study, tithed each week, supported various charities, and sent his kids to private Christian school.   He even witnessed to his employees. 

But it wasn't until he was approached to consider a position as president of World Vision that his faith was really put to the test.   It would mean giving up everything he earned and worked so hard for - his successful career, his huge 10-bedroom home on 5-acre land, his Jaguar XK-8, his recent country club membership, his children's private school education.   He hadn't even been offered the job but the remote possibility led him to examine the idols of his heart.  Wealth, comfort, security had taken some deep roots there.

The question that was asked of him that stirred and prompted his heart was this:

Are you willing to be open to God's will for your life? 

Although his answer was "yes", it came with many stipulations. 

I know I can relate.

"Yes, Lord, but only if it won't be too much of an inconvenience."
"Yes, Lord, as long as it doesn't mean me giving up my house or going out of my comfort zone."
"Yes, Lord, as long as I can still provide the best for my children."
"Yes, Lord, but can it include a nice kitchen?"  (I don't have a fancy kitchen but I dream of one.)
"Yes, Lord, whatever the cost just as long as it's not too costly."

When Jesus asked his disciples to follow him, he didn't promise comfort and security.  In fact, he told them to leave everything behind (Mark 8:34-35).  In Matthew 8:20, when a teacher of the law reached out to Jesus and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go", Jesus responded with "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."  

What a strange response, isn't it?  Why not, "Sure, come along and enjoy the ride" or "Wonderful!  You'll be a fine addition"?  I think Jesus wanted to make it very clear that following him didn't guarantee comfort, security, or even a place to call home.  Jesus knew very well his home was in heaven with his Father.  His treasures were stored elsewhere.  He knew everything material would simply waste away and turn to dust.  "What good is it for man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36)

But it's the material things that's tangible for us.  The treasure we can count in our hands, see in our bank accounts, our 401k plans, feel in our bellies, and hug and kiss every night.

These things are certainly not wrong in of themselves.  But do they have a stronghold over us?  Do they have a stronghold over me?  In his book Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller says "the human heart takes good things like a successful career, love, material possessions, even family, and turns them into ultimate things."

There are many idols I need to lay down before the Lord.

I am struggling right now.  I am struggling to understand God's will for my life and for my family's.  I'm particuarly struggling to understand how to use the passions and giftings He's given me for His great glory.  What do I do with my passions for mothering, creativity, baking, writing, photography?  How do I tie it in with my compassion for the poor and hurting, my understanding of the needs around the world, and my desire to be a godly woman?  How does it all fit together?  Or does it?

Stearns says, "The lesson I learned is that God expects us to serve Him on His terms - not ours."

Well, after Stearns examined his heart and received several confirmations from the Lord, he listened and obeyed.  And God has used Stearns' CEO background and training in amazing ways at the Christian worldwide relief organization.  His leadership has helped World Vision to grow, flourish, and reach out to the poor and needy in greater and mightier ways.

Lord, I want to be open to Your will for my life on Your terms, not mine.  Reveal to me what that is, and help me to be obedient.

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Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

You and I had some good moments, but I have a confession to make.  I'm glad we're almost through.  It's time we move on.

Yes, I at least owe you an explanation.  So here goes a long one.

You and I started off on the wrong foot.  In January, I was sleep-deprived and exhausted with an 18-month and 3-month-old and didn't know how I was going to survive.   Thankfully, my maternity leave ended, and in February, I returned back to work full-time with my firm in Manhattan (while my children were in the care of my in-laws).  But ever increasingly, I felt a naggingly strong conviction that I needed to be home more often but wrestled with the thought because (1) it would mean a huge financial sacrifice and (2) I wasn't cut out to be a stay-home mom.

Well, you know God wasn't going to let me use those as legit excuses.  As if (although they seem pretty legit to me!).

So ever the negotiator with the Almighty (foolishness, I know), I thought a compromise was in order.  Perhaps I could just work part-time.  Mustering up some courage, I approached my manager in April and we worked out a 10-hour/week consulting agreement (I was hoping for 20 hours but took whatever I could).  It was extra income and would give me an excuse to get out of the house one day a week.  I stayed on full-time until the end of August.

And in September, I thought I was going to lose my mind.  Do you remember that?  I'm sure you do.

Staying home was surely the biggest mistake I had ever made.  My oldest son was now two and terrible.  My youngest turned one and became mobile on two legs.  Combine the two and it meant me running in all different directions yelling at the top of my lungs.  Although my in-laws still continued to come for a few hours in the morning to lend a hand, I was struggling to find a routine, balance, and meaning to this new life at home.  Surely, I could get my job back if I wanted.  But for whatever reason, I stuck it out.  Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment.

And with my husband's permission, I share the following knowing others might find encouragement from it.

It also didn't help that my marriage was going through a rough patch at the time.   Not many would have guessed it, but it didn't slip by you.  Our friends have often commented on viewing us as an ideal couple and how our marriage seemed so perfect.  NEWS FLASH!  No marriage is perfect.  Marriage is not a happily-ever-after fairy tale and if anyone buys into that, they're in for a rude awakening.   One of the books James and I read during our premarital counseling was key in preparing us for this:  Sacred Marriage:  What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than Happy?  I highly recommend it.  Though marriage is a wonderful gift with many blessings, it has a way of revealing the ugliest parts of one self.   It's good to be prepared for that but also to keep in mind this is how God uses marriage and our spouse to shape and refine us to become more like Christ.

Well, it seemed my husband and I were no longer hand-in-hand partners.  Rather, we had become the Divvy It Up tag-team duo.  "Tag.  You're it.  Your turn to take this one out while I stay home during the other one's naptime."  "You're it, your turn to do the shopping while I get some laundry done."  "You're it.  You put this one to sleep while I give the other one a bath."   With overlaps in the boys' schedules, it seemed we rarely spent much time together as a family.  And forget couple time.  By the end of the evening, James and I were so pooped we'd literally pass out in bed.

The transition with me being home also brought about underlying issues that were never quite resolved between my husband and I.  Past hurts and wounds were resurrected, and there was a period we wondered if it was possible to ever reconcile these issues.  We knew we needed help, but asking for it would not be easy.  We shared our struggles with our church small group, and we eventually ended up meeting with our pastor as well.  God is so good.  Through sharing, praying, reading scripture and also reading The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict as a church body, God worked to reveal the sins and flaws in our hearts.  Upon admitting them to one another, it opened up the path to understanding, forgiveness, and wholeness in our relationship again.  This doesn't mean we still don't fight or have misunderstandings, but we're better equipped to address them in a more loving, godly manner.  This will be a lifelong process though (I still prefer the good ol' silent treatment because I'm so darn good at it).     

Then 2010, you threw us for a loop in the latter half of the year as my family came to grips with my grandmother's ailing condition.  On the morning of July 31, my grandmother complained of a stomach ache, went to the hospital, and then was admitted to the ICU once it was determined her intestine had ruptured and infection had spread to her major organs.  She survived that ordeal only then to be diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer so far advanced it was beyond seeking surgery or chemo therapy.  At the beginning of September, she was released from the hospital to spend the remainder of her days at home with family.  On October 16, she went home to be with the Lord.

Death was gain for her (Philippians 1:21).  Despite knowing this, however, the loss for us was difficult to bear.  Namely for my mother.  They were literally the best of friends.   I take that back.   My grandmother's best friend here on earth was her husband of 62 years.  My grandfather, a devout man of God and a retired pastor, misses her ever so dearly.  My heart aches mostly for him.

So do you understand why I'm glad we're moving on?

You and I did share some good moments though, and I will never forget those.

James and I attended IJM's (International Justice Mission) Annual Prayer Gathering in D.C. in April.  We didn't have great expectations.  But of course, God did and He worked in our hearts to demonstrate the importance and power of prayer.  It fueled our hearts to pray for all things at all times without ceasing.   God is working and He gives us the privilege to take part in what He's doing through prayer and action.  My greatest desire is to become a woman of prayer much like my grandmother.  I have a long way to go and will admit my prayer life has been lacking recently.  But He who began a good work will bring it to completion.

This year, I have also seen my husband, the ever-loving father and servant, grow more and more into a godly and wise leader.  On a daily basis, I get to see how God is using my husband's heart of compassion and generosity in big and small ways.  And I am learning how to be more patient and forgiving because my husband is much better at it than I.  And we continue to be each other's biggest supporters and fans.

And as for the saga of being home, I can now see glimpses of the impact it has on my children.   I see transformations taking place in them - not only physical but mental and spiritual as well.  I get to experience the moments when my two-year-old will kiss his brother's boo-boo or say a sweet prayer of thanks or when my boys sing with great excitement, "Happy Birthday, Jesus", on Christmas morning.  I am witness to their joy and wonder in such simple things and am learning to do likewise.   Don't get me wrong.  There are still days (very many) I just want to rip my hair out, but God is teaching me to be more patient - with my boys and with myself.

I also started writing regularly again and I have this medium to thank for it.  This creative outlet, which served as a source of sanity in the beginning, ended up being a way for me to connect with and be encouraged by others.  I am so thankful for that and for the folks I have met.

We also celebrated CJ's 2-year-birthday with a cause, threw an elaborate homemade 1-year bash for Nathan, and got to brag about having our son featured topless in a calendar (every parents' dream, I'm sure).

All in all, 2010, we had our ups and downs.  But I can see God's hand in it in every instance and I am eternally grateful for that.

But I'm eager to say hello to 2011 and see what it has in store for us.

Bidding adieu,
Rachel

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God's Providence

{ our shattered sun roof }

While driving on the NJ turnpike at 70 mph last night on our way back home from Virginia, an ice sheet from a bus next to us fell and crashed on our sun roof.  Glass shattered everywhere - shards fell on my husband (who was driving) and were inches away from hitting the boys (I was in the backseat with them).  Thankfully, James remained calm and composed while driving and everyone was okay.  

But it could have gone wrong in so many ways.   All the "what-ifs" started racing through my head:
- "What if James had jerked and veered off the road?" 
- "What if I had been driving with the boys by myself as originally planned?  I would have completely freaked out." 
- "What if I hadn't put the blanket up to block the oncoming headlights only minutes before which shielded the boys from the glass?" 
- "What if the ice block had come through the front or side windows instead?"

Finally, I had to stop myself and simply be thankful to God for small miracles and for His providence and protection.

Later that evening once we were finally home, I sat in bed pondering the night's event, and then read A's blog.  And immediately, my heart sank with great sorrow as I read about the loss of her father in a car accident two days after Christmas.  Only days earlier, A had posted a beautiful picture of her parents' sweet, surprise reunion with her sister who came home for the holidays (she's currently deployed in Iraq).  And I couldn't help but wonder how was it that one family was spared of tragedy this holiday season while another was forced to suffer through it?  Were God's angels of protection over us but not A's family?  Was it providence that cared for us but not for them?

No.  God is always watching over His people.  His providence is always in effect.  I know it's probably easier for me to say this because tragedy didn't strike my family last night, but there are two fundamental truths I believe about God:  (1) He is good and (2) He is in control.   I won't say it's always easy to believe this nor will I claim to live worry or stress-free because I believe it.  I won't say it doesn't make me a control-freak because I still am.  But trial after trial, God has been faithful in revealing these two truths about Himself to me. 

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, providence is defined as: 

    a: divine guidance or care

    b: God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny

God's ultimate act of divine guidance and care has already been demonstrated to each and every one of us.  On a cross.  Through Jesus.  With hope of eternal life.  I believe God's providence never fails and He cares for us in every instance - even when things are very difficult.  So no matter what happens, we continue to trust, press on, and live with hope.  All because of Jesus.

1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God; believe also in me.  2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” - John 14:1-4

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

A, my prayers continue for you and your family.  

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The Master Plan

I had it all mapped out (and at the age of 10, no less).    

{ illustration by stuart lee }

THE MASTER PLAN

• Graduate with honors from high school.
• Get into a good university and obtain a business degree.
• Land a good job, climb up the corporate ladder, and eventually start my own ad agency.
• Travel the world and enjoy all of life's pleasures.
• If I get married, great, but I'm not counting on it.

I was determined to make my life a success story.

I got up to the part where I was able to get into a good university but soon realized I didn't really care much for business school.  I loved English and enjoyed Religion, but what was I going to do with that?  The practical side of me kept telling myself to chug along.  Stay on course.  Endure the finance, economic, marketing, accounting courses.  Stick to the plan.

So I did.  I graduated with a BBA in Marketing, landed a job with a design/build firm outside of D.C. to start and head up their marketing efforts.  The president and founder of the company not only hired me but took me under his wings and invested time and energy into molding me for leadership and management.   I soaked it all up, worked like crazy, and began laying the groundwork for achieving my success story - all before the age of 25.

Then the quarter-life crisis hit.  While I was sitting in my office at 10pm one evening in early 2001, a moment of epiphany occurred.

"What am I doing?  What's the point of all this?  I've sold my life to this company, and for what?  Will I be 50 and look back at my life and wonder where it all went?  What am I investing my time and energy in?  Am I wasting my life away?"

These thoughts echoed through my head for months as I continued to attend company functions, sit through meetings, work on marketing brochures, schmooze with potential clients.

And then one day, I said enough.

I knew in my heart of hearts this was not what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  But I didn't really have much of a backup plan.  All I knew was that the master plan was not working out for me.

With great hesitation, I gave notice and quit my job.  And so the journey began.

But I found that I was more hopelessly lost than ever.  Everything I thought I wanted and had envisioned for my life since age 10 had been completely scrapped.  I was starting out on a blank sheet and didn't know what to fill it with.

I began with what I knew best.  Words.

Words, words, and more words.   I catalogued my journey online before the term "blogging" was ever coined.  When I read back on those entries, I can feel the weight of a confused and misdirected 20-something-year-old in search of herself.

Well, it wasn't enough for me to just quit my job.  I decided I needed a change of scenery as well.  So I packed up my things, said goodbye to my sister and brother (who I was living with at the time), all my friends in Virginia, and departed for the Big Apple where dreams come true (or so I was told).

I didn't know anyone.  I didn't have a job.  I searched online for an available space to rent in the NY area and found a small, little apartment in West New York.  I took on temp jobs as an admin by day.  By night, I was either checking out gigs and different musical artists or at home immersed in songwriting myself (yes, aspiring singer-songwriter is filed under the list of plans that didn't pan out for me as well).

And so began my new life as an anonymous nobody lost in the crowd of millions just hoping to make my days count for something.

After 9/11, I landed a job as an Executive Assistant to the CEO of a renown publishing company.  It paid the bills.  I also got plugged into a church and made an incredible group of friends.  One of whom became a close friend and eventually my husband.

James and I got married, and five years later, here we are with two absolutely beautiful sons, living out in the burbs, trying to make our days count for the glory of the King.

This was definitely not a part of my plan.

But God had better ones in store for me.  And I am keenly aware that He has better plans still for me and my family.  We just need to be open to them (that's the hard part).

When people hear my story, they say, "Wow, you were brave."

No.  I was foolish.  Even so, God demonstrated incredible mercy and grace in my life.  He intervened because although "He loved me just the way I was, He loved me too much to let me stay that way" (one of my favorite lines from the film, Junebug).

Now Mary.  She was brave.  She also had a plan.  She was going to marry a nice man, live a nice, quiet, innocuous life in a small, quaint town where everyone knew each other and life was going to be ordinary and simple.

But God had greater plans for her.  Plans to give her a child and save the world through him.  It could very well have cost her her man, her dreams, her reputation, even her very life (they did not take well to infidelity).   But instead, she trusted God and responded humbly with “I am the Lord’s servant.  May your word to me be fulfilled" (Luke 1:38)

Our executive pastor gave an excellent sermon about God's plan for Mary this past Sunday.  I encourage you to listen to it, and as we think about the new year, be open to the wonderful plans He has in store for our lives.

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The Son's Return

{ the love of a father }

While the wayward child foolishly wastes away all of his Father's riches and inheritance, the Father (broken-hearted but not without hope) calls the son's name and waits and waits and waits eagerly for his son's return.  And when the son finally finds his way back home and is seen from a distance on the long, dusty road, the Father is done waiting.

Instead, he runs and runs and runs with open arms ready to receive and hold his beloved once again.

The Father does not give up on us.

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Tribute to Grandma Kim

Bong Ha Kim
July 15, 1930 - October 16, 2010

Tonight we celebrated my grandmother's life and legacy.  Over 300 guests came to pay their respects and say their final "See you soon".  I paid tribute to her in a letter I shared:

{ with her third great-grandchild;
photo taken by sun yun }

Dear Grandma,

As the eldest of your grandchildren, I had the privilege and honor of bestowing you with the title “Grandmother” for the first time on the day I was born. And 10 grandchildren later, it became a role you embodied and embraced with so much love, pride, and care. You spoiled each and every one of us rotten – not with material things (for you knew these things mean nothing in the end) – but with the power of your prayers and by demonstrating God’s love to us on a daily basis.

None of your children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren have known a day that you, our mighty prayer warrior, were not interceding on our behalf. Every day, you and Grandfather knelt before the King of kings lifting up the many petitions, concerns, and praises for our family.

One petition that I knew had grown heavy on your heart several years ago concerned the prospect of me ever getting married.  I was pretty adamant about staying single and stubbornly declared I didn’t need a husband or children.  Maybe I’d just get a dog one day.  When I was 26, I specifically remember Christmas at Uncle’s house that year.  You and I were sitting on the sofa, and you had asked me again if I was dating or if there was a man of interest in my life.  I told you “No” and reminded you that I was never going to get married.

And then you leaned in towards me.  And very quietly, you asked me in Korean, “You like men, right?”  And I laughed!  And then you laughed, but I think you were somewhat serious!

Well, I saw the delight on your face the day I got married to James and knew God had answered your prayers.

It was hard to see you suffer the past few months.  It was difficult to see the color and life of the light of our family slowly start to dim.  Why had God allowed you to suffer in such a way?

But even in the midst of suffering, you continued to praise God.  What a testimony to us!  I remember an instance when I came to visit you earlier in September.  You had just been released from the hospital and were in hospice care at Uncle’s house.  You were so weak, tired, and in pain.  Your mouth was extremely dry so I rinsed it out with some water.  You lifted up your frail arms and thanked God even for spit because it gave you the ability to speak, even if just a whisper.

That was the testimony of your faith – being able to bless His name even when the circumstances were difficult.  And then I began to realize why it was you suffered in such a way:  It was because your faith was so much greater and stronger than ours.  You were ready to go home to your greatest treasure, Jesus, but we weren’t ready to let you.

So God prolonged your agony and your suffering for our sake.  For the sake of your husband, your children, and your grandchildren.  So we could prepare ourselves to say our goodbyes.  So we could have time to process you not being here on earth with us anymore.

And then it made me think of how Jesus died and how God had allowed his perfect son to suffer for your sake and mine.  How great is that love!  Thank you for that sacrifice, Father.

Grandma, when I heard that you went home to be with the Lord, a very selfish part of me thought, “we’ve lost our mighty prayer warrior for this family.”

And the Lord, ever lovingly, said “No. Your prayer warrior is here with me, right by my side, and continues to intercede on your behalf.”


{ four generations }

I pray you find rest and peace in heaven, Grandma.  Although I imagine with your new body, your bad leg finally healed after all these years, your spirit and mind restored, you’re probably too busy singing, jumping, and dancing with Jesus to rest.  And I praise God for that.

We love you with all our hearts. 


Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

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